The Swezeytown Sum-Times - News to Confuse

"Righty" Joe Tighty and "Lefty" Lucy Goosey

They take on the really hard stories no one else will believe.

Please note: The views expressed by Mr. Tighty and Ms. Goosey are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of The Swezeytown Sum-Times.

On Gay Marriage

Tighty: How would you like it Lucy, if some gay guy married your daughter?

Lucy: Huh?

On a Constitutional Amendment to ban the burning of the Confederate Flag

Tighty: Nothing stirs my patriotic zeal like seeing the Ol' Stars and Bars unfurled on Confederate Memorial Day. I think of all my noble ancestors struggling for the survival of their Christian, slave holding way of life against all those "do good-er" liberal Republican abolitionists during that horrible war of northern aggression. (Wait "liberal Republicans" - that can't be right, can it?).

Lucy: War of Northern aggression? Give me a break! "America - love it or leave it" - but you can't take a big chunk of it with you on the way out. Look, nobody's burning anthing, but I think ANY group that kills over, say, a thousand Americans can have its flag burned during a protest. Yes, I know that some of these people are allies now, like England, Germany and Alabama, but it still goes. Burn, baby, burn!

Tighty: The South will rise again!

Lucy: ... and fall again. - Get over it! We're all Americans now.

Tighty: Hey, wait a minute, there aren't any "liberal Republicans" are there? And Republicans wouldn't have supported the wrong side of the Civil War, would they?

Lucy: There are and they didn't.

Tighty: Kiss my grits.

Lucy: What is a "grit" anyway?

On Converting to the Metric System

Lucy: Why is it the U.S. still has not converted to the Metric System? The conversion was going so well in the 1970s before Reagan got in and killed it. We live in a global market place, why are we still designing things in feet and inches, pounds and ounces?

Tighty: You One World Government people just don't get it. It is an assault on our national identity and sovereignty. How much more un-American can you get than to replace our British System of weights and measures with some silly European standard. What do Europeans know? Next you'll be wanting to call soccer 'football'.

Lucy: Aren't the British Europeans.

Tighty: Just ask them.

On British Reparations to the Irish for the Potato Famine

Lucy: Why doesn't the British Government own up to the horrors they inflicted on the Irish during the Potato Famine and pay reparations to their descendants? My ancestors suffered during the famine, why shouldn't I get a few bucks? Hey, if Old Queen Lizzie tosses a few million my way, I'm willing to forget the whole thing.

Tighty: How big of you. If the British had gone around righting everyone they've ever wronged ... well, I mean ... they'd never have been able to win that Falkland Islands War now would they? And that would have changed the political landscape of the South Atlantic for decades.

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(c) 2006 Thomas F. Swezey, All Rights Reserved