That Was Zen; This Is Tao.

If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand!

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you....

I consider ALL arguments in support of my views

The main trouble with mental notes is the ink fades so fast

If you're "not yourself today", enjoy it while ya can

People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it`s safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don`t.

if it weren't for space and time, I wouldn't be where I am today!

If you're only as old as you feel, how come I can't retire yet?

Whenever I feel blue,  I start breathing again.

I don't mind taking a risk, as long as I know everything will turn out okay

Your work is only as good as your concentra-- Hey look! A cloud shaped like Snoopy!

Cigarettes smoke. You're just the sucker..

It still bugs me that my Dads last words were "I buried the million dollars in the.....".

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

I wonder how many limbs the guys who invented the external combustion engine lost before they decided to go with the internal idea.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.

I need someone real bad...Are you real bad?

I. R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

I can't use my pocket knife, it's too dark in there.

Elevators have their ups and downs, but escalators are a step in the right direction.

We moved down here for the Southern Comfort.

David Carradine drinks Grasshoppers.

Sometimes it just doesn't pay not to work.

Genealogy - life in the past lane.

At first, I was opposed to the so-called satellite mind-control transmissions.

We don't want to be moving down stream with no direction.

It's pretty vague, it's pretty wishy-washy, it's pretty undefined, if you know what I mean.

Sometimes I think I'm the only team player around here.

How do you explain counterclockwise to a kid who grew up with a digital watch?

So who is St. John and why did they name a wort after him?

You should never hit a guy with glasses. Always use your fist.

How do you throw away a garbage can?

God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!

The person who invented the eraser had the human race pretty well sized up.

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

Is there ever a time when something is "in whack"?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.

I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

El Nino Made Me Do It

Measure once - cut twice.

We put the "k" in "kwality".

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