Uncle Wingnut's Non-Standard Marriage Contract ---------------------------------------------- Copyright (c) 1995 Larry "Wingnut" Wendlandt This contract is serious and it is binding. Before stating these promises to your partner, please make sure that you and your partner agree on the meaning of each promise. Included are many sample ramifications for breach of any stated promise. i.e. What can happen if someone breaks one of these promises. This agreement may also be used in human rights or civil court cases should such need arise. Depending on local laws, this document, when registered with proper State offices, can serve as a legal binding marriage. This can only happen if both partners agree to such in signing areas of this marriage certificate. Please understand that once a non- standard marriage is "recognized" as "legal" under a given State's laws, the dissolving of this contract may be subject to local divorce procedures. I suggest that... even if you DON'T want the contract to be "legally binding", you should still check with local and national law agencies to determine the "level of recognition" of non-standard marriages. These promises are to be stated aloud in each other's presence, and must be witnessed by AT LEAST one (1) other human being. The witnessing person(s) MAY be asked to arbitrate or help settle possible future disputes involving these promises, thus he/she should be well aquainted with both partners. Partners should also be careful in choosing their witness(es). Fairness, respect, love, honor, and nobility should be prevelent in your primary witness(es). -------------------------- The Promise Promise is more of a theory than a promise. A person can promise things until they are blue in the face, and still, a promise is only as "true to its words" as the pride, honor, nobility, and scrupples of the person making that promise. Therefore, in order to get an idea of the "strength" of a promise, you must first know the "rules-to-live-by" that have been "adopted" by the promiser. When not called one of the terms I used above... it is often called "moral fiber". Get to know your partner's moral fiber well. Don't be afraid to ask them difficult questions about how they would react to THIS or THAT... and WHY! Try to learn "emotion-causing" or "traumatic" events in your partner's past, so you might have insight into "why they think the way they do". Be a patient and open-minded listener as they tell you things about themselves. Most people WANT to share their feelings... as long as they don't view your interest as a threat. Beware of a promise made by a person who lacks nobility, honor, humility, selflessness, or caring... but remember that a lack of tact is not always a lack of human caring. Congratulations, good luck, here we go! * (The first 5 promises are made by each partner... to all WITNESSES.) -------------------------- 1. I (name) claim truthfully, that I have given VERY CAREFUL forethought to the following promises which I am about to make to my friend and partner (other name). * Fairly understandable promise... the only gray area being what "very careful" means. Probably, the more discussion and forethought, the better. -------------------------- 2. I (name) claim truthfully, that (other name) and myself have discussed and agreed upon the definition of each promise, and the ramifications of breaking each promise. * This claims that both partners trully agree to "live by" these promises at ALMOST any cost. The "almost" MUST be discussed VERY carefully. With SOME couples, the ALMOST can mean "I'll do my best". For others, it could mean "until I feel differently." Please be careful here. -------------------------- 3. I (name) claim truthfully, the following... You, the primary witness(es), were chosen of your good name and reputation. Should conflicts arise involving these promises, and should I/WE (either/both) ask you to arbitrate and judge a conflict, then I will attempt to understand, and definitely adhere to, all final decisions made by you in determining fair outcome. * There are a few gray areas here... - First, the witnesses don't need to necessarily have a "good name and reputation"... but witnesses who are liked and respected by both partners work best. - Second, there is a gray area in the I/we/either/both part of line 2. Sometimes one or both partners have lost respect or like for witness(es)... so one, or both partners will not want this witness to arbitrate or judge outcome in a grievance... a grievance which COULD arise many years after this marriage. To resolve the gray area, both partners must decide if BOTH need to agree, at the time of conflict or whenever, whether a certain witness will be called to arbitrate, judge, or assist in any other manner in the conflict's fair resolution. In more common words... WHO gets to choose who is going to help us decide if a promise has been broken or not. - Third, there is a gray area in "attempt to understand". This could mean that the arbitrator should clearly explain his/her reasoning in their judgement decision that is used to resolve the conflict. It could also mean that any "emotional response" resultant from a dis-agreeable decision from an arbitrator, be squelched. Simpler, if you don't understand the decision, ask about it calmly, and then deal with it, because that's what was agreed upon. - Fourth, there is a gray area in "definitely adhere to". Careful with this one, because it has legal ramifications. Some couples who are "legally separated"... immediately, or soon after, ignore their marriage vows. Some don't do this. In these aspects, this COULD affect local stalking laws and restraining orders. In a broader sense, this gray area could determine how "smoothly" and "agreeably" a partner deals with decisions made by an arbitrator. -------------------------- 4. I (name) claim truthfully, that should I later be discovered to have obviously (proven) lied to you or (other name) at any time during this ceremony, then I will verbally admit to (other name) of this action, and be subject to a mutually pre-determined consequence for such. * Lots to be discussed here too... - First gray area is with the terms "obviously" and "proven". Many people won't admit to being caught in a lie. There are often situations where an arguement over whether a lie happened or not... cannot be proven or disproven. There are situations where "withholding information" will be viewed as a lie. There are times when "flowering" truths or revealing partial truths may be viewed as lying or deceiving. All this may make the pre-determining of marital guidelines for lying QUITE difficult. Discuss all these possibilities with your partner thoroughly before your wedding day... as they will affect forever. - Second point of interest here is the "verbally admitting" and the "mutually pre-determined consequence". The verbal admission to lying is something that this author invented. I've always believed that someone caught lying should, at minimum, tell their partner of it, and maybe explain why they did it. The "mutually pre-determined consequence" part is there so you can invent a "punishment" for lying that is best for you two... maybe one with some potential for forgiveness or understanding written in. -------------------------- 5. I (name) claim truthfully, that I am of sound mind, and I am not under any pressure or duress that might question the validity of this agreement. * This promise is used to make this marriage "binding" in some states. Check with YOUR state. There may be other statements needed within your vows to make your marriage legally binding. Also keep in mind that marriage need not be legally binding. Some forethought to legal and moral issues such as divorce, taxes, names, children, alimony, common law, joint assets, and self-security... is highly suggested. Essentially, this promise claims that neither of you are being forced to do this against your free will. -------------------------- * (The following promises are made to each other, in the physical presence of each other and the witness(es). Symbolic touching or sharing of objects is left up to the discretion of the partners.) -------------------------- 6. I (name) promise that I will NEVER allow my emotional reaction from being told the truth... affect the quality or quantity of love that I feel for you. * Here's a complicated promise... which may not work for some people. - I used "emotional REACTION" because I believe that emotions... and reactions... are two separate entities. Some disagree, by saying that the reaction is part of the emotion. Discuss, discuss! - Some say that the "quantity and quality of love" is determined partially or totally by their emotions... sometimes called "feelings". Still others look at love as something that remains the same, through ANY emotion. It might be a good idea for both partners to decide what IS an emotion, and what IS a reaction... and try to imagine themselves in "worst case scenerios" with high jealousies and feelings of deception and deflated self-esteem. In other words, pretend your partner has done THE WORST thing they could do, and try to imagine your emotions and reactions to such. Prepare yourselves to cooperative satisfaction on such issues... and keep those agreements in mind through your marriage by reviewing your promises. -------------------------- 7. I (name) promise to never intentionally lie, deceive, embellish, or lead astray, verbally or by my actions, you, or your loved ones. * This is an author-biased promise. You should use, change, or eliminate this promise as you wish. Discuss this promise heavily with your partner, as this promise is an honesty promise. As discussed earlier, lying is viewed in many different ways by many different people. Insecurity, possessiveness, jealousy, deception, and skepticism all can affect what is viewed as lying. Also be very careful of the word "intentional" here, as some people believe that an un-intentional lie... is not a lie, but a lack of information. The term "loved ones" can be a gray area too. Talk about it. -------------------------- 8. I (name) promise to give an accurate, lengthy, understandable, and truthful report to you whenever you ask how I feel about you. * This is just another example honesty-based promise... which is a redundancy in itself. (Please see Promise Promise.) All in all, this example promise is used to get "where do I stand with you" reports from your partner. A good working marriage might be one where both partners can be TOTALLY honest and open about EVERYTHING with each other. Others say... I wouldn't tell him/her something that would hurt their feelings. If "feelings" or "need to know" stands in the way of total honesty in ANY way, then it is DEFINITELY a good idea to ask each other which information they DO want to know, and which they don't. Also, discuss whens, wheres, and whys of "flowering" truths, and appropriate times and places for using tact, partial-truths, or other emotional considerations. BE CAREFUL! Tact and "consideration for feelings" can VERY EASILY be viewed as "half-truth" and "not being totally straight". Make-up MANY pretend situations that require the use of total truth, tactful truth, partial truth, or tactful lying. Be aware that "tactful lying" and partial truths have destroyed MANY marriages and friendships. -------------------------- 9. I (name) promise to honor the mutually pre-discussed agreements we have made concerning activities with other potential partners. * Another complicated promise requiring as many simulated situations as possible. There are numerous possibilities here which are, most often, still un-predictable. Flirting, staring, hitting-on, sexual arousment, human nature, insecurity, possessiveness, jealousy, situation, and many more characteristics or traits... all can play a part in attempted pre-determining of guidelines pertaining to this. I suspect it might be best to pre-determine the METHOD OF ANALYSIS for any future conflicts about "other people". This is accomplished by maybe promising to CALMLY and REASONABLY UN-EMOTIONALLY discuss jealousy or betrayal feelings at the time when they are felt... or soon after. This is just an example! How you two handle jealousy and threat is totally up to you two... just so you both understand, and are able to "deal with"... each other's stance on such matters. -------------------------- 10. I (name) promise that I will NEVER intentionally physically, mentally, or verbally hurt you, or your loved ones. * Lying is sometimes viewed as hurting, so if that is the case with both of you, then you can eliminate #7. The term "hurt" is a huge gray area here, and could, with some people, make this promise just too large to deal with. This may be due to both the hard-to- define terms "hurt" and "intentionally"... not to mention how the terms "physically, mentally, or verbally" all mix in with each other. So, discuss this potential marriage-killer carefully, re-write the promise in a way that works for both of you, and live happy. -------------------------- These example/useable promises are an attempt to cover some of the major relationship issues that arise these days. Many contain my opinions, as you would expect. There are MANY other promises and agreements that can be added to these, and you two are free to do so... agreeably. Here is a helpful idea to keep in mind as you think about potential problem areas in your marriage. If you can't come up with some agreeable guidelines for one of the many situations that could arise... then come up with guidelines that determine HOW TO HANDLE AND DISCUSS a difficult situation. This "catch-all" approach to marrital problems is easy to adopt and agree-to, but difficult to "live up to" across a wide spectrum of situations. It will take patience, understanding, love, and respect to pull it off... but it HAS BEEN DONE in marriages before you. There is another large consideration here, which hasn't yet been touched on... RELIGION. I'm not well versed in understanding of all the different types of religious ceremonies and suggested vows available in the world, and I suggest you investigate them all, if you like. I wrote these vows because I saw a gap between the standard Christian vows, and something that worked for today's society. Most people don't realize that you are allowed to write your own marriage vows and still be recognized as married by the state you live in. It MAY not be recognized by a religious group... or by certain state or federal agencies. Please be careful with legal issues regarding division of assets... including child-custody issues. ANY ISSUE regarding MONEY or CHILDREN should be researched prior to the big day. You are free to use this document in any way except commercially. I ask for acknowledgement and credit to my name for this work. (In other words, SOMEBODY, PLEASE, remember me after I'm dead!!) :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: :: Email @@@@@ @@@@@ @@@@@ :: wingnut@winternet.com :: :: for me? @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ :: http://www.winternet.com/~wingnut :: :: So ONLY I @@@@@ @@ @@@@@ :: pgpfp: 7b 93 d0 66 3d fb 1f 7d :: :: see... you @@ @@ @@@ @@ :: (1024) ba 33 93 86 09 82 36 61 :: :: can use ==> @@ @@@@@ @@ :: "Shields up, plastics down" :: :: fore it's thanks to Phil FREE! :: Bottom line: Cut the bullshit!! :: ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::