Hello all,
I have been reading posts here on forgiveness. In my recovery this was one of the hardest things for me to deal with. The word itself sent me into a rage.
I learned from a wonderful therapist what forgiveness really meant. He also said that it didn't need to be discussed until way, way down in therapy. It is one of the last things to work on.
Well, he taught me that forgiveness wasn't for the person(s) who hurt me but for myself. It was a letting go process. First the steps had to be taken to work through all the feelings that come from living in a hurtful family growing up. All the rage, anger, and pain. Forgiveness (for me anyways) means to finally let go and not let the jerks have power over me any more by keeping me locked in to them with anger. This for me is a process that comes and goes.
He also taught me that a lot of people (like me) thought that forgiveness meant to tell the offending party that what they did was no big deal, it was okay, and to pretend it didn't happen. He said in no way does forgiving negate what was done. Forgiveness also does not equate relationship and trust. Now, I can forgive someone (like my offender) but never trust him or have a relationship with him again. This is something that I have to work on a lot. But as time goes on I have to work on it less and less. This therapist's explanation of this process helped me a lot. Still sometimes though, I still feel more comfortable with the term 'letting go'.
Well, this is just my 2 cents. Hope it helps someone. It sure helped me. When I finally came to the realization that the people that hurt me still had a hold over me cuz of my anger, BELIEVE ME, that was incentive enough to try to work on it.
P.S. Any of you ever had the phrase "Honor your parents" thrown in your face? Yuk!!!