Old Political Jokes

as best as we can actually remember them - some tasteless

Explanatory notes in square brackets as needed.

"I like political jokes - unless one gets elected!"

Really Old

If you put all the economic indicators end to end - they'd point in all directions.

"Calvin Coolidge doesn't say much - and when he does - he doesn't say much." - Will Rodgers

"Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it." - Mark Twain

Definition of an honest politician - when he's bought he stays bought.

In America we have the best government money can buy.

Dwight D. Eisenhower

The President was golfing one day when one of his advisors apptoached the golfers just ahead of him.
"We've just gotten word that the Russians have launched an all out attack on the U.S.
Tanks are rolling into West Berlin, Bombers are in the air headed toward America.
Do you mind if the President plays through?"
[Refers to Eisenhower's obsession with golf]

John F. Kennedy "JFK"

Kennedy from his father - "Don't buy one more vote than you have to. I'm not paying for a landslide".
[Refers to rumors that Kennedy's father bribed local officials for support during the critical West Virginia Primary in the 1960 election]

Lyndon B. Johnson "LBJ"

They told me that if I voted for Goldwater, we'd be at war in Viet Nam within a year.
Well sure enough, I voted for Goldwater and now a year later we're at war in Viet Nam!
[Senator Barry Goldwater was Johnson's opponent in the 1964 presidential election]

About Goldwater: "In your guts, you know he's nuts".
[Parody of the Goldwater bumper sticker "In your heart you know he's right"]

A reporter asking a man on the street: "What do you think we should do about Viet Nam?"
Man (stuttering): "I..I..I.. th...th...think we sh...sh...should pu...pu...pull out uncondit...dit...ditionally.
Reporter: "Well. that's easy for you to say."

A local political boss sent his people out to a graveyard to copy down the names to register them as fake voters.
After a couple of hours they came back and he asked them if they got all of them.
They told him they got most of them but that four of the tombstones were illegible.
He got angry and sent them back saying "now you be sure to get those names, they have just as much right to vote as the others".

Three doctors were bragging about what great surgeons they were.
The first says, "They brought a man in to me who'd been in a terrible car accident.
All the bones in his legs were broken and mangled but I put him back together again
and I just heard he's won a gold medal running in the Olympics."
The second says, "That's nothing, they brought in a young lady who'd been in a plane crash.
She was horribly disfigured and broken up but I pieced her back together again
and I just heard she's won the Miss America beauty contest.
The third says, "That's nothing, one day a cowboy was riding across the plains with dynamite tied to his saddle.
It went off and all they brought in was a hat and a horse's ass.
I put him back together again and now I hear he's president.

Two men are in a bar and all of a sudden one of them starts hitting and beating the other one.
"Hey, what are you doing? All I said was 'the president was raised in Texas'".
"I'm sorry, I thought you said 'the president was raising taxes'".
[President Johnson was from Texas]

"Free the Indianapolis 500!"
[Parody on "Free the Chicago 7!" - Anti Viet Nam War protestors arrested at the 1968 Democratic Convention]

Richard M. Nixon

Nixon, Kissinger, Billy Graham and a hippie are in an airplane.
The pilot has a heart attack and dies and they decide they have to paracute jump to safety.
Unfortunately there are only three parachutes.
Nixon grabs one saying, "I am the president of the Uniteed States, the leader of the free world and the most important man in the world.
It is important that I survive" and jumps out.
Kissinger also grabs one saying "I'm the world's smartest man and the advisor to the president. It is important that I too survive" and jumps out.
Then Billy Graham says to the hippie, "Go ahead, my son, you can take the last parachute."
And the hippie says, "Don't worry reverend, there's two left, the world's smartest man just grabbed my knapsack".
[Henry Kissinger was Nixon's Secretary of State, Billy Graham was a famous television evangelist]

I wonder who's Kissinger now?
[Parody of the old song title "I Wonder Who's Kissing Her Now".]

"Kissinger is a legend in his own mind." - Art Buchwald

Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
[Spiro Agnew was Nixon's Vice President]

What did the president know and when did he STOP knowing it?.
[Parody of the famous Watergate line "What did the president know and when did he know it"]

Who are you going to vote for Nixon or Ted Kennedy?.
Nixon - he landed a man on the moon - Kennedy couldn't get a {girl} across a bridge.
[Refers to the Kennedy Chappaquiddick scandal - original joke used a much more derogatory word then 'girl']

Jimmy Carter

What does Ted Kennedy have two of that Jimmy Carter wishes he had one of? Dead brothers.
[Refers to Carter's brother Billy's embarassing escapades]

Why aren't there any good jokes about the Jonestown, Guyana mass murder - suicide?
The punchlines are too long.
['Punch' refers to the Kool Aid like drink used to deliver the poison to the 'lines' of waiting people]

Ronald W. Reagan

"In my administration, the right hand doesn't know what the far-right hand is doing".
[Actual Reagan quote]

In Russia a lady wants an electrician to come out to her home to make some repairs.
The electrican takes her name but warns her there is a seven year waiting list.
The lady asks when he does come will he be there in the morning or the afternoon.
"What's the difference?", he asks.
"Because," she says, "the plumber is scheduled for the morning and I don't want them to conflict."
[The joke is about poor service in communist countries]

American: "In America, I can stand in front of the White House and say 'Reagan is an idiot' without fear of repercussions".
Russian: "Well, in Russia I can stand in front of the Kremlin and say 'Reagan is an idiot' without fear of repercussions too".

"I sleep better at night knowing Reagan is sleeping" - Art Buchwald.

In the Soviet Union they have three television channels.
On the first one you see Brezhnev giving a speech to the Communist Party.
On the second one you see Brezhnev giving a speech to the Polit Bureau.
And on the third channel you see a KGB (secret police) agent telling you you'd better turn back to channel one or two.

Reporter: "Why did you invade the Falkland Islands?"
Argentinian General: "I did it for Jody Foster".
[Parody of the reason given by the man who shot Reagan]

Latest news from the Falkland Islands War - the Italians surrendered.
[Italians weren't involved in the war but have a caricature of surrendering easily]

George Bush (father)

Will Rodgers never met John Sununu.
[Sununu was Bush's cheif of staff - refers to the famous Will Rodgers line "I never met a man I didn't like."]

If you knew what Sununu.

Bill Clinton

"I didn't tell her to lie in the deposition, I told her to lie there in that position".
[refers to allegations Clinton asked his personal secretary, Betty Currie, to lie about his relationship with Monica Lewinsky]

One morning, after a new snowfall, President Clinton awoke to see an obscenity written in the snow in urine on the White House lawn.
The secret service was called in and experts in urine and handwriting analysis were consulted.
They told him they had good news and bad news.
The good news - they didn't think it was a serious threat because the urine was Vice President Gore's.
The bad news - it was Hillary's handwriting.

When asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton, 86% of women in D.C. said, "Not again."

Bill Clinton, commenting on the book "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus" - "Let's go to Venus."

"There they are. See no evil, hear no evil, and ... evil." - Bob Dole, watching former presidents Carter, Ford and Nixon standing by each other at a White House event
[Senator Bob Dole ran against Bill Clinton in 1996]

George W. Bush (son)

Somewhere in Texas a village is missing it's idiot.

On a trip to Peking, Bush visited the Great Wall of China and said.
"President Hu, tear down this wall!".
[Parodies to Reagans speech at the Berlin Wall]

Osama Ben Laden dies and wakes up in the after life when suddenly George Washington appears and starts kicking him and beating him.
Shortly Thomas Jefferson and Patrick Henry show up and begin trashing him too.
Then "Stonewall" Jackson and Robert E Lee join in.
Osama cries out, "What's happening, this is terrible, where are my 72 virgins?".
Then he hears a voice, "Osama, you idiot, I promised you 72 Virginians".

"George Washington couldn't tell a lie,
George Bush couldn't tell the truth,
and Bill Clinton couldn't tell the difference." - Jay Leno

Barack Obama

2008 Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney told this joke himself.
Mitt to his wife: "Dear, in your wildest dreams, did you ever see me being President of the United States?"
Wife: "You're not in my wildest dreams."

Chelsey Clinton took a job as a reporter and interviewed a soldier returning from Afghanistan.
She asked him "What did you fear the most?".
He replied, "Three things: Osama, Obama and Yo' Mama."

Obama: "A 'fist bump' is no big deal - it's just the new 'high-five'".
McCain: "What's a 'high-five'?".
[Fox News accused Obama's wife's 'fist bump' with Obama as being some sort of secret terrorist signal.
A 'fist bump' and 'high five' are both informal greetings - like a handshake.
The joke is making fun of McCain's age. ]

McCain's age isn't a problem - when history starts to repeat itself - he'll be the first to know.

When it comes to McCain's age the "old" joke never gets old.

A reporter asked Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin what she would do about all the "bears" on Wall Street.
She said first she'd shoot'em and then she'd skin'em.
[refers to her conservative Alaskan "frontier" image]

In Washington "trillion" is the new "billion".
[refers to the recent quip that "forty [years old] is the new thirty" (i.e. because people are living longer)]

Donald J. Trump

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked.
"What are those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abrahan Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Trump's clock?"
"His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
[refers to the presses' accusations that Trump is constantly lying]

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