02/02/2023 ********************************************** I see where there's a new New York Congressman who apparently lied on his resume about EVERYTHING - family, school, jobs, private life. What a great idea! ********************************************** When I was a kid they used to teach us that lying was a "sin". "You are from your father, the devil, and you prefer to do what your father wants. He was a murderer from the start; he was never grounded in the truth; there is no truth in him at all. When he lies he is speaking true to his nature, because he is a liar, and the father of lies. But it is because I [Jesus] speak the truth that you do not believe me." - John 8:44-45 One of the Ten Commandments is "thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour" (Exodus 20:16). But if you're "bearing false witness" about YOURSELF shouldn't THAT be okay? I think he may have found a loophole :-) Besides, nobody seems to worry about "sin" anymore - "morality" is just an annoyance - all that "conscience" stuff - who needs it. ********************************************** Now I realize, that that's what's been holding me back all these years from the fame and fortune I so richly deserve! I just never lied enough on my resume! Sure, I always leave out the ten years I spent in the slammer for embezzling millions from a former employer, but anything IMPORTANT that's job related is in there. Now I realize what a fool I've been! "A lie in time saves nine". So anyway, here's my newly revised resume with just a few minor adjustments made. REVISED RESUME ********************************************** ********************************************** ********************************************** Thomas F. Swezey - (aka - "Programmer to the Stars") Senior Embedded System Software Engineer Superstar Experience Summary: Worked his way through college as the Bass Guitarist for the punk rock group "Brain Mush". Wrote their biggest hit "Mind Slime On Time". Also, was a frequent guest conductor at the New York Philharmonic, field goal kicker for the Miami Dolphins, relief pitcher for the San Francisco Giants, point guard for the Washington Generals, backup trapezist for the Flying Wallendas, supermodel for Abercrombie & Fitch, performed the lead in Verdi's Otello at the Metropolitan Opera for three seasons, and was the reoccurring character, Jack Stud, on the daytime soap opera, "The Young and the Pointless". On graduation, worked at NASA as lead astronaut making numerous trips to the International Space Station as well as several unpublicized, secret missions to Mars. Later worked as a Wall Street broker at Goldman Sachs where he invented "Crypto Currency". "It just came to me as I was closing another billion dollar deal". Worked at IBM as Vice President of Research and Development, where he invented the IBM Personal Computer (PC). Worked as a lead consultant for MicroSoft and was instrumental in the development of the MS-Windows Operating System. Also invented ChatGPT. Invented the World Wide Web (WWW), the Hypertext Markup Language (HTML) and the original Netscape Web Browser. Worked as a lead consultant for Apple and was instrumental in the development of the Apple IPhone. Worked as lead consultant for Google on their Quantum Computing project and other Artificial Intelligence research projects as well as inventing the Android Operating System for their mobile phones. Currently on the lecture circuit describing the impact of the "Swezey Transform" and how it is revolutionizing Artificial Intelligence and Quantum Computing. ********************************************** Education: Gold star sticker from his Mother for learning to use the big-boy potty. Fifth Grade Graduation Certificate from Stamford Charter School for Excellence, Stamford, CT. GED High School Equivalency from Alabama Department of Education. BA in Ancient Etruscan Art from Wellesley College. CDA in Child Development from ChildCare Education Institute. MBA in Business Administration from Trump University. PhD in Mathematics from Johns Hopkins University. PhD in Particle Physics from Massachusetts Institute of Technology. ********************************************** Outside Interests include: Formation Skydiving Deep Sea Scuba Diving Hang Gliding Kayaking Spelunking Whitewater Rafting Down Hill, Cross Country and Water Skiing Line, Break, Hula, Ballroom and Irish River Dancing Has works of art on display in both The Metropolitan Museum of Art and the Guggenheim Museum in New York City and is referred to in art circles as "the new Jackson Pollock". Assisted in the translation of the Dead Sea Scrolls. Holds Black Belts in Karate, Judo, Jujutsu and Taekwondo as well as Olympic Gold and Silver Medals in the Decathlon is a Wimbledon tennis 'singles' champion three years running is a Boston Marathon winner - twice is a former World Champion Midget Wrestler is a NASCAR Bill France Cup holder is a Eddie Aikau Big Wave Surfing Champion is a World Champion Bull Rider is a Yokozuna (Grand Champion) Sumo Wrestler is a Chess Grand Master and a Champion at Chinese 'Scrabble' is The Masters Tournament, U.S. Open Championship, The Open Championship and U.S. PGA Championship - Golf Grand Slam Champion For relaxation enjoys equestrian horseback riding and bronco busting. Speaks 17 foreign languages fluently and has a working knowledge of five more (including Esperanto, which he invented). Holds valid passports for 22 foreign countries and travels extensively over eight continents. Was born in El Paso, Texas, to Gypsy parents from Bangladesh. His Grandmother went down on the Titanic. His Great-Grandfather died at the Alamo and with Custer at the Battle of the Little Bighorn. He is 18th in line to the British Crown. ********************************************** ********************************************** ********************************************** WOW! I get tired just thinking about this guy! We'll have to can that Swezey guy and replace him this guy - if we can get him! Wait ... that's suppose to be ME! That's the trouble with lying - it's so hard to remember what's really going on. I mean - that's what's so GOOD about lying - it's so easy to forget what's really going on. Truth's a crutch - get over it. Lies are much easier to believe - and more fun! That's not right. Wait, no that IS right. Wait, no THAT's not right. Wait, no THAT is right. No it's not. I don't know what's right anymore. Sure I do. No I don't. ********************************************** Maybe I should be a Congressman. Maybe I already am one. No, I'm not. Yes, I am. No, I'm not. It's not in my resume. I could add it to my resume. Everything in my resume is a lie - so I COULD be one. Not EVERYTHING in my resume is a lie. Yes it is. No it's not. Everything I say is a lie. But that means I'm lying when I say - everything I say is a lie. But that means I'm telling the truth when I say - everything I say is a lie. This is all making my head hurt. No it doesn't. Yes it does. Is my nose getting longer? I think my pants are on fire. ********************************************** Wait, wait, wait, - people will spot that this resume is a FAKE! There's no such thing as Chinese 'Scrabble'! How would that work? :-) ********************************************** "I [Jesus] came into the world for this, to bear witness to the truth; and all who are on the side of truth listen to my voice.' - John 18:37 'Truth?' said Pilate. 'What is that?'" - John 18:38 ********************************************** Stay Jazzed! No, you shouldn't. Yes, you should. Do what you want :-) No, do what I want. Trust me. No, don't. --Tom Swezey Attorney at Law Dewey Cheatham & Howe LLP ...