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"In Your Guts - You Know He's Nuts".

I'm thinking about running for the Presidency of the United States of America in 2020 - Why not? Everybody else is.

I would run on a single issue - "climate change" - I'm FOR it.

It's too dog-gone cold here in Minnesota in the winter and too hot in the summer - and I want NASA or the CIA or somebody to fix it.

Now I know what you're going to say - Tom, you're an idiot, that's not what the "climate change" issue is about.

Well it ought to be! And you know it!

Now I know what you're going to ask me, are you running as a Democrat or a Republican or an Independent or what?

Well, don't worry about that, it doesn't matter - I'm not planning on winning.

In fact my position is the same as William Tecumseh Sherman, "If nominated, I will not run; if elected, I will not serve."

After all, who wants to BE the the president? Half the people will hate you from the get go and half the rest will hate you when you fail to deliver on your campaign promises.

And don't forget the hundred or so nut jobs out there who are aspiring to become the next Lee Harvey Oswald.

You'd have to be crazy to want that job.

*****

So why am I running?

Well, you see, the way I figure it I'd raise a couple of million bucks in campaign contributions and then put all my friends on the payroll as political consultants - provided they agree to give me half the money back - under the table of course.

(Want to be my campaign manager? You don't really have to DO anything.)

Then I'll lose - graciously concede to the winner and go off to write my memoirs about life on the campaign trail.

Ya, I know, sweet, huh? I don't know why nobody has ever come up with this before.

*****

I figure I need a catchy slogan like "Nixon's the One", "Keep Cool with Coolidge", "I Like Ike" or "All the Way with LBJ".

I'm kind of leaning toward that parody of Barry Goldwater's "In Your Heart You Know He's Right" (1964) - "In Your Guts - You Know He's Nuts".

Kind of sums up my campaign in a nutshell.

*****

I want to make it absolutely clear that to date I have NEVER received ANY money or ANY help from ANY foreign power.

It used to be that doing something like that was totally un-American, un-patriotic and treasonous.

But evidently nowadays - it's actually OKAY.

So Russia, if you're listening - give me a call - I can be bought.

$5 million you can do whatever you want in the Ukraine/Crimea (what do I care?) - and for $10 million you can have Poland too, if you want it. Really. Call me. Really.

I promise - I'm an honest politician - once I'm bought - I stay bought. Just ask anybody who knows me, they'll tell you.

*****

Actually, ... I'm starting to think this might be a lot more work than I first thought.

I'll probably have to give a bunch of speeches or write a book or something.

And it might be tough to find enough morons out there to give me big bucks for an obvious lost cause.

Oh, I don't mean you, I'm sure you'd be happy to support me, I meant all those other morons.

And I think some states have fees to get on the ballot or require lengthy petitions of voters.

Hmm, ... maybe I'll wait until 2024 to run.

Ya.