03/24/2022 ****************************** The National Whine Festival Seems like the last few years (decades?) we've been in what I like to call the "National Whine Festival". Everybody seems to be whining about something. Whether it's the OUTRAGE of FURIOUS fans when Mayim Bialik, as guest hostess on the quiz show "Jeopardy", INCORRECTLY referred to the first round as "Single Jeopardy" (as opposed to the second round of "Double Jeopardy"). (This was totally wrong and she has since been forced to make a humiliating public apology - as she should - right?) Or the City of San Francisco, removing Abraham Lincoln's name from a grade school because he, evidently, didn't do ENOUGH for African American people. Can't have those little kiddies thinking that bum was a great man. After all what did he ever do? (Didn't he invent the $5 bill or something?) Nothing in this world is perfect, so you can ALWAYS find a "problem" if you just look hard enough :-) Why aren't YOU looking hard enough? What's the matter with you? - Don't get me started. My Dad used to say that people like that were just "flapping their gums" (or was it "beating their gums"? - I'm not sure - I mean how do you "flap a gum" anyway?) Nothing is more FUN than telling somebody ELSE what to do :-) Especially if you can get all uppity and "holier than thou" about it - make them feel really guilty about it - and show that at least you CARE! So anyway, I'm thinking, this sounds like fun - I wanna get in on it :-) So here at the Hit-of-the-Week World Headquarters and Whinery, I set out to develop my own, truly vintage, whine. A vintage whine really needs to SOUND like it's about something REAL and serious and important - even though it isn't. And you have to SOUND very sincere. "The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made." - Jean Giraudoux (1882-1944) And you have to really get your panties in a bunch over it. You didn't know I wear panties, did you. That's because I don't. I mean, I do wear undie pants - just not women's undie pants. I mean - wait, why am I talking about this? Anyway, the trouble is, I couldn't think of anything that I'm actually all that upset about. Although that's not really important in a good whine - in fact it usually detracts from it. I could whine about Covid-19 or inflation or the war in the Ukraine - but that seems lame - those are REAL issues. But I finally came up with what I think will be the Chateau Lafite Rothschild 2003 of vintage whines this year :-) (Keep in mind - I don't really care about this :-) ****************************** Here goes: Every year the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences hands out awards to the top people in their profession. I never watch the Academy Awards show, as I have found it in the past to be even more boring than most of the movies they make each year. I don't go to movies anymore, partly because I'm too cheap to spend the $2.50 for a ticket but mostly it's because I'm too cheap to spend the $2.50 for a ticket. The movies will all be on cable in a year or so anyway, so I'll see them then - if they're any good - and I will have saved myself $2.50 :-) Anyway, ... that's not my whine. My whine is that each of the winners gets a MALE, gold plated, bronze statuette called an "Oscar". WHAT AN OUTRAGE! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! Women are eligible to win these awards and sometimes do, and yet when they do, they get stuck with a MALE oscar statuette too! WHAT AN OUTRAGE! Why not a GENDER NEUTRAL statuette? This is Hollywood we're talking about, isn't it? Aren't they supposed to be big on all that gender neutrality/equality stuff? What a bunch of Hollywood phonies. Imagine the HUMILIATION a poor actress must feel, when, while being honored for her excellent work, she is FORCED to accept a MALE oscar statuette! What a sexist INSULT! They should refuse it in protest. They should DEMAND a GENDER NEUTRAL statuette! And have you noticed that some actresses now refer to themselves as "actors"? As if using the male term makes it gender neutral somehow. How humiliating for them! They're just knuckling under to the male dominated Hollywood power structure that holds them in contempt as second class performers. They already did away with "comedienne" for a female comedian - now "actress" - where does the outrage end? Maybe "acting person" would be better, or just "performer" ("performress" isn't a word is it? :-) Yes, I am OUTRAGED and SHOCKED and LIVID and did I mention OUTRAGED, over all of this. This sexism MUST stop! I mentioned that I NEVER watch the Academy Awards show, but, from now on, I am SPECIFICALLY NEVER going to watch it to protest this OUTRAGEOUS situation. Take THAT Academy! ****************************** Pretty tasty whine don't you think? :-) Remember you heard it here first :-) I bet somebody, somewhere, agrees with me - which is a scary thought actually. I'm just doing my little bit to make the world a better place - through whining. Okay, it's a very little bit. Before you get all upset at me, remember, this is just a whine - I don't really care what they do. I'm just "flapping my gums" :-) Watch for my upcoming book "Winning by Whining". The 94th Academy Awards | 2022 https://www.oscars.org/oscars/ceremonies/2022 Stay Jazzed! And watch the Oscars if you want to - it's okay :-) --Tom Swezey