MyCult.txt - 05/09/2019 ************************ I'm sure you've noticed by now that I rarely mention anything political in these "Hit of the Week" ("HotW") musical e-mail news letters. I figure, you either already agree with me, in which case you're obviously an intelligent, well informed, concerned individual with your finger on the pulse of the world at large .... or you disagree with me, in which case you're obviously a total moron who doesn't have a clue what's really happening ... (I mean that in a "nice" way :-) If you're that pathetic, you can't expect me to straighten you out with a musical news letter. ************************ But that doesn't mean I don't have political opinions, just like everybody else. In fact a friend of mine once told me, that I was the most politically radical person he'd ever met. WOW! Really? ... I am? ... Me? ... REALLY? He must not know very many people :-) Just because I think that everybody who disagrees with me should be rounded up and sent to political re-education camps in Wyoming until they straighten out their thinking ... that's not radical is it? I mean, you agree with me on that, don't you? ... I mean, you DO, don't you? ... DON'T YOU? Hmmm ... I'm sure you'll find the Grand Tetons to be very beautiful this time of year ... ************************ So anyway, no politics. But that doesn't mean I don't have long term nefarious plans for "HotW". I plan to turn this into a cult - with me as the cult leader (of course) - and you all as the mindless, zombie, cult members. You will refer to me as the "Grand Imperial Thumper", or "Thumper" for short (because I tend to like music that really thumps along - you know anything from "ragtime" to "rock and roll" that really moves down the highway - real toe-tappers). And I will refer to you as "Nippers", after the dog in the old Victrola ads - you know, where he's hears "His Master's Voice". Now, I know what you're going to say, "but gee, Thumper, there aren't any 78 rpm recordings of your voice for us to listen to on a Victrola". To which my response must be, "Shut up and do as you're told. How dare you question my authority. If I say you're 'Nippers' you're 'Nippers'." I think I got that "cult leader" thing down pretty well, don't you think? ************************ Most cults think they're special, "chosen", people or the like. But in our cult, excuse me, I mean, in MY cult, we believe the opposite - we're not special at all - just plain folks. Maybe it's the Presbyterians or somebody - I don't know - but not us. Most cults have some sort of secret knowledge or special teaching. In my cult it is that some degree of inner happiness can be attained by listening to old, antique 78 rpm phonograph records. Not much of a secret though, everybody knows about that. ************************ Now, I know what you're thinking, "Gee, Thumper, I'm ready to sell everything I own and send you the money (did I mention that part before?) and be a mindless, zombie, cult member, what's the hold up? Why haven't you launched the cult yet?" Well, there's actually two main reasons. The first, is you. Yes, YOU! You're just not measuring up as a mindless, zombie cult member. You're too free-thinking and independent and you question my authority, like on the 'Nipper' thing above. Frankly, I'm not sure you're really ready to be a mindless, zombie, cult member. Now I know you want to be a mindless, zombie, cult member, and I know you're trying to be a mindless, zombie, cult member, but you're just not very good at it. You have to face up to the fact that some people just aren't cut out to be mindless, zombie, cult members. I'm very disappointed in you. ************************ But the REAL reason I haven't launched my cult yet is that, well, looking back over recent cults, I've noticed that the leader always seems to end up dead - often with a lot of his followers as well - although who cares about them. Remember Jim Jones and "The People's Temple" and Jonestown, Guyana, where they all drank the poisoned Kool-Aid? - He's dead. And David Koresh and the Branch Davidians, in Waco, Texas - he's dead. You know I always thought that would be a great name for a rock group. You know, if he really was the second coming of Jesus Christ, we could all be in a lot of trouble right now. There was that "Heaven's Gate" cult with the secret alien space ship hiding behind the Hale-Bopp comet that was going to take them all back to their home happy planet. - He's dead. And there was Charlie Manson, and the Manson family. Now he ended up spending the rest of his life in jail - that's not much of an improvement. And now he's dead, too. There was a cult last century, in Java, Indonesia, where the leader predicted the world was going to end on September ninth, 1999 - you know - 9/9/99. Well, on September 10th 1999 his followers turned on him and beat him to death. When a reporter asked a follower what happened, he said they sold everything they had and gave him the money, but he turned out to be a fraud and a charlatan. People were very upset. Now I have to tell you, that if you ever turn on me and bludgeon me to death - I will be VERY disappointed in you as a mindless, zombie, cult member. In fact you can expect to be kicked out of the cult if you do something like that. After all, you already know, going into this thing, that I'm a fraud and a charlatan. You can't complain about that later. ************************ So now you see my dilemma. Now I know you're all anxious to be mindless, zombie, cult members, who wouldn't, but I just haven't figure this all out yet. Trust me - I'm working on it. So in the mean time, you don't have to sell everything you own and send me the money ... well, unless you want to :-) Stay Jazzed, Nippers, --Thumper ........