I have a problem that has been bothering me greatly for many years.

I know what you're going to say - Tom, you obviously have LOTS of problems - and I'm sure you'd be glad to list them all for me.

But today I have one particular one in mind.

I am 6 foot 4 inches tall.

Okay, How is that a problem?

Well, the problem is, that when people see me, they THINK I'm only 5 foot 10 inches tall - mainly because that's how tall I really am.

They don't understand that I'm actually a tall man trapped in a short man's body.

They don't understand the pain and suffering I have to endure as a result - especially knowing that in my mind I'm really 6 foot 4.

I know everybody is sneering behind my back and saying "look - there goes shorty" - it's so humiliating.

(Okay, I don't actually hear anybody saying that - but I KNOW they are).

*****

Anyway, I've decided to go under the knife to alleviate my "short"-coming.

I'm seeking a surgeon who will implant 6 inches of cadaver bone into each of my legs to correct my deformity.

Now I know what you're going to say - Tom, you're an idiot - you don't need a surgeon you need a psychiatrist - you need to learn to accept reality and move on.

You're going to tell me that nationwide there are hundreds of people who are 5 foot 10 - or even shorter - many of whom with proper therapy and heavy electrical shock treatments are able to lead nearly normal and productive lives in spite of their affliction.

You just don't get it! - Well, unless you're 5 foot 10 too - then you know exactly how I feel. I just want to be happy.

Anyway, I'm hoping people will respect that I "self-identify" as being 6 foot 4 and will look up at me when we're together - even if I'm actually shorter than they are.

*****

You know, the more I think about this - implanting that much cadaver bone could be pretty painful.

And it might take a while to adjust to that extra height - kind of like being on stilts all the time.

Maybe I should just buy some "lifts" and forget about it.

Ya, maybe that's right.